semantics and logic: An open letter to Bret Michaels

The venerable sage and former frontman for the legendary L.A. hairspray and makeup band Poison, Bret Michaels, claims that every rose has its thorn.

I'm certainly no expert on roses and have less than a layman's concept for the intricacy and nuance of horticulture in general. Furthermore, the few times that I have handled roses, in my memory, involved navigating prickly little thorns. So, it's no wonder that upon first hearing Michaels' rock ballad masterpiece circa 1989, I was moved to agree...yes indeed, every rose has it's thorn. But once I began to examine Mr. Michaels' logic, it fell shamefully apart; specifically his use of baseless analogy regarding cowboys calls into question the very premise of his song.

And I quote, "just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song, every rose has it's thorn."
Well, let me be the first to break it to you, Bret: NOT every cowboy sings a sad, sad song. In fact, cowboys sing a lot of happy songs about being home on the range or rockabying sweet baby james or visiting towns in west texas (el paso, to be exact) where you can fall in love with mexican girls.

Thus, the fact that every cowboy clearly does not sing a sad, sad song, I think, undermines your assertion that every rose has a thorn. We cannot say with any degree of certainty that every rose does or does not have it's thorn, and so I feel it necessary to call into question the thesis of your song and am left to wonder where else you have led us astray.

Maybe the unskinny bop doesn't just blow you away
Do you really want us to give you something to believe in?
I sincerely doubt that you don't need nothing but a good time or that you won't forget me, baby
We're left to take you at your word, and I want to believe you, but right now your word isn't worth the paper it is printed on, Mr. Michaels.