NASA Confirms Mars Potentially Suitable for Future Habitation. Elton John Outraged.

NASA Confirms Mars Potentially Suitable for Future Habitation. Elton John Outraged.

According to a team of NASA and University of California scientists, the recent definitive detection of methane in the atmosphere of Mars indicates the planet is still alive, in either a biologic or geologic sense, prompting immediate speculation within the aeronautics community that the Red Planet may one day prove hospitable for future generations of humans.
Elton John, however, is having none of this.
In a tersely worded, yet melodic, statement released in anticipation of these findings, the five-time Grammy Award winner cited a general lack of community-based resources and frequent inclement weather as reasons to question the use of discretionary funds to pursue the matter during difficult economic times.
“Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids,” argued the self-described “Rocket Man” and 1994 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee. “In fact, it’s cold as hell.”
Independent research confirmed the singer-songwriter’s latter point: the temperature on Mars drops to -220 F in the winter, though it does reach +80 F in the summer, making it an ideal vacation spot.
John, a 2004 Kennedy Center honoree who has sold more than 250 million records career during a career spanning over 40 years, also wondered if irregular access to family-oriented supervision and recreational care would cause concern for parents should they decide to migrate to Mars.
“There’s [just] no one there to raise them if you did,” said the longtime LGBT champion and AIDS activist.
In response, NASA experts called John’s credentials into question, a fact the one-time drug-addled Crocodile Rocker conceded, “All the science, I don’t understand. It’s just my job five days a week.”
NASA experts stood by the findings, calling them “revolutionary” and “ground breaking”; however no one would offer a definitive timeline for when humans could begin the immigration process. When asked to comment on a potential schedule, U.C. astrophysicist Dr. Leroy Goldman said, “I think it’s going to be a long, long time.”