Tom Coughlin

Tom Coughlin, the pinched, thin-lipped, terse New York Giants head football coach recently passed through my transmediums while watching Monday Night Football last week. Though I’ve never met Coach Coughlin, I've taken to inferring certain things about him based on player comments and my observations. The following is a partial list of observations made on that Monday during and immediately after the Giants losing effort against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Tom Coughlin is not a good French kisser
Tom Coughlin doesn’t love to dance the Rumba, the Tango, or the Macarena
Tom Coughlin doesn’t prefer great taste or less filling
Tom Coughlin cannot prevent forest fires
Tom Coughlin did not cry at Old Yeller, Steel Magnolias, Mr. Holland’s Opus or The Notebook
Tom Coughlin does not believe that freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.
Tom Coughlin does not eat the butt or the pussy
Tom Coughlin does respect your right to choose just not your right to choose an abortion
Tom Coughlin has never been in a K hole
Tom Coughlin has never gone commando
Tom Coughlin has never aspired to make love not war
Tom Coughlin does not remember the Alamo
Tom Coughlin is not down wit’ O.P.P.
Tom Coughlin is not all verklempt.
Tom Coughlin does not melt in your mouth or your hands
Tom Coughlin can’t believe he ate the whole thing
Tom Coughlin has never been cuckoo for cocoa puffs
Tom Coughlin is not like a good neighbor; he is never there
Tom Coughlin insists he is not an animal; he is a human being
Tom Coughlin never blew his reward money hiring Van Halen to play his birthday party
Tom Coughlin never learned about Cuba while havin’ some food